On the heels of How to Take on a Remodel and The Best Automatic Drip Coffee Maker, the moon and stars have aligned to reveal that my next post naturally had to be about a toilet.

I’d like to think that the topics written about on this blog have a pre-determined flow (yes, another pun).

I feel compelled as if it is my duty (oh man) to share my past research of washlets and bidets with you wonderful people.

Now to the topic at hand: Bidets and Washlets.

It all started back in 2013. My wife and I traveled to Italy. This was a life-changing trip. We saw priceless works of art, sampled delicious foods and explored picturesque countryside. We even, for the first time, experienced a bidet.

When in Rome, right?

You could always tell if my wife or I were using the bidet because, behind the closed washroom door, you would hear an audible “hoo-hoo!” similar to the sound that the Pilsbury Dough Boy would make when you pushed into his little doughy tummy.

Fast forward to the pandemic. We all experienced the toilet paper shortage, among many other things.

I must even admit that, pre-pandemic, my older brother told me to get on the “cleansing toilet” train. I thought he was just being neurotic, but it turns out he was just ahead of the curve.

For the record, Chuck, you were right! I was wrong. You’re smart. I’m too quick to judge.

What exactly is a bidet?

According to dadsconstruction.com, a Bidet is a type of standalone sink or fixture that resembles a toilet. It uses water with a retractable or separate hand-held sprayer, faucet, or sprays from the bottom of the bowl straight up to wash and clean the external genital, anal, inner buttocks, and perineum areas. 

A bidet is not a toilet.  Therefore, it is not designed to accept urine, stools (poop), or tissue paper (toilet paper).  After each use, it must be cleaned and sanitized.

So how is a washlet different?

dadsconstruction.com further explains that a Washlet is a registered trademark of the Japanese toilet company Toto, used for their line of cleansing toilet seats with a warm water spray feature for external genital, anal, inner buttocks, and perineum cleansing. 

A washlet is a toilet seat that is affixed on top of the toilet, replacing the standard toilet seat. Therefore, a washlet allows the user to urinate, defecate (poop), and cleanse themselves on the same fixture without having to move or reposition themselves.

Ah, so bidet is actually improper verbiage for the thing that makes our “magic toilet” so magical.

What’s so special about a washlet?

Here’s a real-life play-by-play:

• You sit down on a warm toilet seat. You can program the toilet seat and water temperature settings via a remote.

• Upon sitting down, the washlet sprays down the inner toilet bowl. This spray assists your “waste” in sliding down to the afterlife, keeping your toilet cleaner.

• Once you’ve done your business, you press the water feature on the remote.

• After the splish-splash, you push the dryer function.

• Finally, you have 1-2 wipes ready to bat “clean up.”

• Ideally, there is less physical contact with your nether-regions. You get up feeling clean and refreshed as if you just took a shower (which, basically, you did)

Our washlet is attached to our Toto Ultramax II toilet (I researched this one too, the patented tornado flush feature is pretty cool).

Which washlet do you ask?

The Toto C5 washlet

Let me tell you something: 1,590 positive Amazon reviews, the endorsement of the entire island nation of Japan, and one half-assed blogger all agree that this washlet is pretty remarkable.

We have our washlet installed in our living room half-bathroom. This bathroom is politely nicknamed “the pooh-bathroom” for obvious reasons.

Your “pooh-bathroom” is likely your most-used washroom. Spoiler alert, we all have one.

Our “uninitiated” guests typically laugh at the magic toilet, yet leave asking for the exact model number after using it.

One of my daughters will sit on the “magic toilet” and read her books. I’m not sure she’s even actually using the toilet, but she likes the warm seat!

Note: She achieved a 5th grade reading level, despite being in 1st grade.

Thanks, “magic toilet!”

If you want a good laugh, check out YouTube video reviews of washlets. The reviewers are sincerely showing the features and benefits of heated seats and toosh-washing automatic spray nozzles by using thermoformed plastic molds that represent your backside.

How do I install one of these bad boys?

Some washlets will require an electrical outlet. For these, you will need a GFCI (ground fault circuit interrupter) outlet installed to protect against electric shock due to the proximity to water. Others will attach and operate without the need for an electric outlet.

Installation is a breeze. The washlet replaces your existing toilet seat. There will be a spltter valve for the water line which will go directly to your washlet seat.

Voila! You now have a fully functioning washlet!

How much do washlets cost?

You can pick up some models for roughly ~$150. The C5, featured above is $400.

These things though, like many appliances can get out of hand. The Toto NEOREST NX2 can top out at $20,000! I’m not quite sure what you get for that, but there are certainly people out there willing to pay for it.

“And I want a solid gold toilet, but we can’t always get what we want.”

-Classic parental line directed at a child making demands

I think I’d take the NEOREST over the solid gold potty.

South Park recently did an episode titled: Japanese Toilets where Randy Marsh buys a Japanese toilet to replace “old blue.” The hilarity ensues in a way that only South Park can deliver.

In conclusion, do you need to get a washlet?

Probably not. Butt…

Many years ago, I felt the same way about upgrading from a Blackberry to an iPhone. I could do it all on my Blackberry: type out long emails and text messages. I could also kind of surf the “world wide web.” The truth is, I had no idea what I was missing.

The above analogy is how I feel about life after the washlet. I do know what I’m missing, especially when I’m traveling be it for work or with my family. I can’t wait to get back to the “magic toilet.” I’ve gone soft….and it’s glorious.

Do yourself a favor, save some trees by purchasing a washlet to eliminate your waste.

https://www.dadsconstruction.com/what-is-the-difference-between-a-washlet-and-a-bidet/

https://www.totousa.com/neorest-nx2-dual-flush-toilet-10-gpf-08-gpf

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt26761382/